One's True Heart
by ibroodeihort
Summary: Magnus loves Alec, but will Alec ever love him back?  AU/AH
1. Chapter 1

_Chapter 1_

**(Magnus POV)**

Alec and Magnus had been best friends since kindergarten. Magnus smiled at the recollection of meeting Alec for the first time. It all started during lunch on the first day of school. As Magnus walked outside to eat his lunch, he noticed a small boy crying under a tree. Not really thinking about it, he walked over to the boy, sat down, and introduced himself. Learning that his name was Alec, and that he had forgotten his lunch, Magnus smiled and held out his own lunch box. It's funny, Magnus mused, how half a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and an Oreo cookie could change a person's life. But now that friendship was over. All because of one minute that could never be taken back.

Magnus angrily kicked a stone as he thought about how stupid he had been. He just lost his best friend of nine years. No, ten he thought. A decade of friendship gone; in the blink of an eye. A softly spoken 'damn' slipped from his lips as his mind relived the last time he saw Alec…

_It had started out innocently enough. School was starting in a little over a week, and the two of them decided to spend one of their last free days down by the river. It had been their place all summer; their place to go to get away from the grown-ups in their lives; to get away from their problems. They didn't even invite the rest of the gang. It was their place. Discussions that could never have happened elsewhere were able to occur here. It was where they went to escape. Today was supposed to be just like every other day they had spent at the river that summer, carefree and fun. It regrettably had been anything but that._

_They sat on the large boulder near the river's edge tossing rocks into the water. Their conversation had meandered from the end of summer and the start of school to when they thought they would be able to come back to visit the river. Magnus was only half paying attention to Alec as he discussed the various extracurricular possibilities that he was considering joining since they had managed to survive their first year of high school last year and he wanted to do something besides just classes this year. As much as he wanted to pay attention to Alec, Magnus couldn't help but think of his real motive for wanting to come to the river today. He turned to Alec, opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out. Instead of speaking, he kissed him…_

Magnus shook his head, dispelling the image of Alec from his mind. Harder to ignore was the phantom lingering of the feel of Alec's lips on his. Crying out with the pain that the thought of losing his best friend meant, he closed his eyes against the tears that threatened to leak out. What had he been thinking when he kissed Alec?

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><p><strong>(Alec POV)<strong>

Alec was curious. Usually it was he who suggested the river. But this morning, Magnus called and said that he wanted to visit their spot. Knowing that it would be awhile before the two of them would be able to go again, Alec quickly agreed.

As he walked towards the meeting place, Alec thought about all the times he and Magnus had gone to the river. He wasn't sure why Magnus liked it, but he loved the quiet beauty of the spot. The sunlight would filter through the trees, bathing the ground in alternating patterns of light and dark – almost as if it were trying to turn the forest floor into a checkerboard. The river itself wasn't very deep or wide – Alec could jump from one side to the other without much trouble – in fact it wasn't really remarkable in any way, and yet there was something about the spot that made it unique. The river had become a constant in his life, and although it never stopped flowing and changing, the transformation was so subtle that it seemed life completely stopped when he and Magnus came to their spot. He was looking forward to a little peace from the frantic start of school rituals.

Magnus had sounded anxious on the phone; it reminded Alec when he called Magnus two years ago, needing something, someone. Magnus had suggested the river, and it was there, as Magnus held him, that Alec was able to mourn the recent tragic death of his youngest brother. With this thought firmly in his head, Alec picked up his pace. Something was bothering Magnus, and while he didn't know what it was, he knew that he would be there no matter what. He owed his best friend that much at least.

Magnus was already on the flat rock that the two of them used as a bench when he got there. Magnus had piled up a stack of rocks next to him, and was absentmindedly tossing them into the river. Alec stopped on the edge of the clearing and took a good look at his best friend. To a casual onlooker, Magnus would look like a bored teenage boy, but Alec knew better. The tilt of the head was wrong, as was the slump of Magnus's shoulders. Something clearly was bothering him. Alec took a deep breath, and stepped out towards the rock.

As they sat on the beach throwing rocks into the river they discussed the upcoming year. Magnus was being distant, but Alec knew that when his friend was ready, the truth would come out. He was worried of course. Magnus rarely ever kept anything from him, often telling him whatever was on his mind at the moment. Only a handful of times had Magnus ever really kept anything from him, and those secrets were revealed after only a couple of days. This was different, though. This was something big and it worried him.

Slyly, Alec stole a glance at his friend and repressed a smile. As usual Magnus had chosen the side of the rock that was in the sun, and Alec silently chuckled to himself knowing that by now it was probably an unconscious decision. Magnus hated the way he looked under artificial lights, and Alec had to agree that his best friend looked completely different when in the sunlight. Inside, Magnus's hair was a flat, matte black. In the sun however, it was beautiful. Even Alec had to admit it. Like today – the sunlight reflected off his hair causing a rainbow of colors to be visible. It was almost like looking at an oil spill in the sunlight Alec often thought, although he never would have mentioned that particular thought to Magnus. Magnus was just a little vain when it came to his hair, normally styling it into spikes, and commenting frequently that it was his best feature. Alec took it as a very bad sign that Magnus had clearly put none of his usual effort into his hair that morning, and thus kept having to brush it out of his eyes each time the wind blew through the trees.

Although Magnus was staring at the pile of rocks, his friend's green eyes were looking at something far beyond the little stones. Alec was familiar with the intensity of those eyes, but the confusion, hurt, and pain that was so readily apparent in them was all new. He almost broke his resolve in order to ask Magnus what was wrong, but held back. Magnus would speak up when he was ready to. Instead he started to discuss the benefits of joining an extracurricular activity. He was looking forward to joining a club or sports team, and was hoping that Magnus would join with him. They had joined none their freshman year, and although he hated to admit his father was right, they were entering their sophomore year and it would look good on his transcripts.

He was in the middle of discussing trying out for the soccer team when the sun came out from behind the trees, and bathed his side of the rock in sun. Magnus suddenly turned to him, and thinking that this was the moment he would finally explain to him what was wrong, he was surprised to find Magnus's lips on his.

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><p><strong>(Magnus POV)<strong>

His musings had taken him to the town's playground, and since there was nobody around, Magnus decided to sit on the swings to contemplate his mistake even further. Sighing, Magnus looked up at the clear blue sky. It was really the weather's fault; if it had been cloudy today, he probably wouldn't have made the mistake he just made.

Magnus never really kept secrets from Alec – he just couldn't. It didn't feel right not telling his best friend everything. Except for the one secret – the most important one – the one that he was supposed to tell Alec today but didn't. Heading into their sophomore year of high school, Magnus thought it was about time to finally come out to his best friend. He had been working up to it all summer. Trying to figure out the best way to phrase it, to explain it. Trying to imagine what Alec's reaction would be. Each time he tried to bring it up, he chickened out. He didn't think he could survive if he saw hate in Alec's eyes. It sucks to be in love with your best friend.

Magnus had been awakened this morning by the same reoccurring nightmare he had been having all summer. Rubbing the sleep from his eyes, he tried to banish the look of utter hate and disgust from Alec's beautiful blue eyes. Today was the day he thought. No matter the outcome, today he would tell Alec that he was gay; he would leave out the part about being in love with him – Alec did not need to know that part of it.

And so he had called Alec, feeling sick to his stomach. They had agreed to meet at the river, and dreading the result of the upcoming conversation, Magnus had thrown on a sweatshirt, and had headed out to meet his friend. Thankfully, he had arrived at the spot before Alec did, and sat down on the only sunny part of the large rock they used as a bench. Magnus didn't trust himself to be able to just stop at saying the words that he was gay, and not spilling all of the details – especially if Alec was able to sit in the sun.

Magnus had never seen anything as beautiful as Alec in the sun. It hurt each time he looked at Alec, knowing that he would never be able to be with him, but it was infinitely worse when Alec was in sunlight. In the shade, Alec's hair was a deep, inky black, but in the sun, other colors became apparent. It shined silver-blue in the sun, and his skinned glowed with an inner light. The sun made Alec's blue eyes sparkle, reminding Magnus of a crystal clear lake that one can see straight to the bottom of. More than once, Magnus had been struck speechless by Alec, and he had no desire to be in that position today. Alec must not sit in the sun until their discussion had been finished. Whatever the outcome Magnus thought gloomily.

The two of them had been at the river for over an hour before Magnus decided to open his mouth to tell Alec he was gay. He knew that it would be rude to interrupt Alec in the middle of his ramblings about extracurricular activities, but now was the time, if ever.

Pushing off on the ground to set his swing in motion, Magnus closed his eyes wanting to relive what happened next. He had turned to Alec to broach the topic when the sunlight came streaming through the trees at that exact moment. The sun turned Alec's hair into a shining beacon of silver, and Magnus wanted nothing more than to run his fingers through it, while gently pulling Alec's mouth to his.

Before he could even think about what he was doing, he had leaned over and done just that. His fingers intertwined in Alec's slightly curly hair, and he very gently pulled Alec's head down to his. The moment his lips touched Alec's lips it was as if his heart had taken flight. His lips were so soft, and yet they had a firmness to them that Magnus couldn't resist. He tenderly nibbled Alec's lower lip, and when Alec gasped in surprise, he slid his tongue inside. He ran his tongue over the inside of Alec's mouth, tracing designs and flicking Alec's tongue with his own. He slowly withdrew his tongue, in favor of sucking on Alec's upper lip. Magnus was in the process of lightly tracing Alec's lips with his tongue when he opened his eyes. And saw Alec's wide opened eyes staring back at him in shock.

The look in Alec's eyes said everything. Magnus released his grip on Alec's head, and as quickly as the kiss had started it ended. Without saying a word, Magnus stood up and backed away from his friend. At the edge of the clearing he had stolen once last glance back, only to see Alec staring at him in complete shock. Hanging his head in defeat, Magnus turned and walked away.

Coming back to the present, Magnus shook his head at his stupidity. In hindsight he knew that it wasn't really the weather's fault. You can't blame the sun for what he did – he only had himself to blame for the loss of his friendship. Maybe if he had told Alec earlier then this never would have happened – four years was a long time to keep a secret from your best friend, especially when you love him. Instead he had been a chicken – too scared of how Alec would take the news of his best friend being gay. Well, the cat's out of the bag Magnus thought. He now knows that not only am I gay, but I'm in love with him as well. Maybe this is all a bad dream and I'll wake up soon he hoped.

He closed his eyes, but instead of welcome darkness, he was haunted by vision of Alec's eyes. Those beautiful deep blue eyes the color of the ocean. He wanted to fall into those depths and drown. Magnus pressed his palms into his eyes in hopes of blocking out Alec's gaze and wept. Wept for what he had done. And he wept for what he had just lost.

* * *

><p><strong>(Alec POV)<strong>

Magnus suddenly turned to him, and thinking that this was the moment he would finally explain to him what was wrong, he was surprised to find Magnus's lips on his. Alec was shocked into paralysis. Magnus was softly kissing his lips, lightly pressuring them further and further apart. Suddenly Magnus gently bit down on his lower lip, and he gasped, not in surprise but in the jolt of electricity that coursed through his body. He involuntarily opened his lips and unexpectedly he found Magnus's tongue swirling throughout his mouth. It was exploring the far depths of his mouth and lightly caressing the tip of his tongue.

Alec never had experienced anything like it before and was about to sigh in pleasure when he realized that it was his best friend kissing him. His eyes flew open to stare at Magnus – his mind begging Magnus to stop while the rest of his body so desperately wanted him to continue. As if he had sensed the warring between his mind and his body, Magnus opened his eyes and looked into Alec's eyes. He reacted as if Alec had shot him. His tongue stopped tracing Alec's lips and his hand snaked down from the grip he had of Alec's hair. And then he was gone. He gave Alec one last look at the edge of the forest, and Alec almost called out for him to come back, but didn't. And then Magnus was gone, and he was alone.

Oh my god Alec thought. Whatever he was expecting Magnus to tell him, it wasn't that. And his reaction to it? What was that about?

He closed his eyes, gently biting his lip in thought. Almost immediately he felt Magnus's lips and tongue kissing, caressing, tracing along his, and again he felt the electricity course through his body at the thought of continuing that kiss. Shuddering at the thought, his eyes flew open, and he abruptly abandoned that train of thought. It was wrong. Magnus was his best friend; his gay best friend he amended. And well, Alec thought, he just didn't feel the same way. Sure Magnus was his best friend, the one he went to with everything, but he didn't love Magnus. Did he?

Again he closed his eyes and recalled the way Magnus's lips felt on his, and the way Magnus's tongue explored the far reaches of his mouth. He could feel Magnus's teeth tenderly nibbling on his lips, and the gentle sucking of his lips. It was as if Magnus was still there, and his eyes flew open expecting to find Magnus still kissing him. But Magnus was gone, and it was only in his memory.

No, Alec thought, he didn't feel the same way towards Magnus that Magnus clearly felt towards him. He loved Magnus, but as a friend not as a lover. His body had only reacted the way it did because he was shocked. Yes that was what it was, shock. The tears started falling then. Oh god, he thought, please let Magnus be alright; this has got to be harder on him then me.

He sat there for a long time watching the river flow past; always changing, always different. He thought about the friendship that had grown between Magnus and himself. He thought about how his best friend had kept the secret of being gay to himself, and he couldn't help but wonder for how long it had been a secret and why Magnus didn't trust him enough to tell him sooner. Mostly though he wondered how Magnus was accepting what had happened. Alec wasn't mad, shocked certainly, but not mad. He feared though that Magnus would take it badly. He pulled out his phone to call Magnus. Beg him if necessary to come back and talk; to work through this all. But looking at Magnus's smiling face in his phone he couldn't bear to hit the call button. Fresh tears started falling as Alec realized that he probably had just lost his best friend for good. Because he knew Magnus as well as he knew himself. And Magnus would never forgive himself for kissing Alec.

And with tears quietly streaming down his face, he stood up and headed for home. Wondering when, and if, he and Magnus would ever be able to be best friends again.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Thanks to those of you who reviewed the last chapter... Because of you, I give you this chapter a little early. It was supposed to be longer, but I'll turn the rest into Chapter 3.  
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_Chapter 2 – Tears_

Magnus sat dejectedly on the swings, phone in hand, half hoping, half dreading a call from Alec. He waited while the sun slowly sank behind the trees, but no call came. Magnus wasn't sure whether he welcomed this or not. On one hand it postponed the inevitable moment when he would hear Alec tell him that he hated him and no longer wanted to be friends. On the other hand it meant that he wouldn't hear Alec's voice one last time.

Standing up at long last, Magnus wiped his eyes one last time. He needn't have bothered; he had cried for hours right after the kiss, but no tears had fallen during the past hour or two. His eyelids felt like sandpaper each time he blinked and he knew he must look awful. Yet he found he didn't care.

Suddenly his phone buzzed in his hand. A new text message. Not sure whether he hoped it was Alec or somebody else, he took a quick glance at his phone. He noticed that it wasn't from Alec and what little hope he had left that things would be ok evaporated. Flipping his phone open he read 'Where are you? Mom's flipping out!' Grudgingly he turned and plodded down the trail towards home, his body weary and his heart heavy.

He knew he was going to be in trouble when he got there. He had known it all along but that hadn't stopped him from not returning earlier. Some part of him relished the thought of the telling off and punishment he was going to receive. At this point extra chores would be a blessing. Maybe they would allow him to keep his mind off of Alec. He doubted it but he needed some small shred of hope to hang on to.

It had been his day to help with the dinner preparations at the group house he called home. Back when there had been more kids living at the group home, Magnus would have felt guiltier about having skipped out on dinner duty, but right now the house was nearly empty and so Magnus felt nearly nothing. He knew his "Aunt" Cecily could easily cook for five people without his help, and if she really needed help getting the three year old twins Layne and Tanner ready for dinner, her daughter Camille could help her. No, Magnus wasn't really needed but he was still going to be in trouble for skipping out on his chores. His aunt did a good job running the group home by herself but she still relied on the older kids to help out with the younger ones as well as helping around the house. One of the first things you learned when you arrived at the house was that anyone skipping out on chores soon found their chore list doubled as well as losing other privileges. It was a well designed system and nobody had complained yet.

It was completely dark by the time Magnus turned onto his street. He saw a figure standing at the front gate and for a moment felt guilty. He probably had worried his aunt when he hadn't come home, and here she was waiting outside for him. Probably wondering if he was even coming home or if he had decided to run away. He was a few steps away from the slight figure when he realized that it wasn't his aunt but his "sister" Camille.

"Magnus, where have you been? Mom's going crazy," a very frustrated sounding Camille asked.

Hoping that his voice would sound vaguely normal Magnus replied "the river."

"You were supposed to help Mom with dinner. I had to get Layne and Tanner to sit at the table and you KNOW they don't listen to me half as well as they listen to you."

"I know. I'm sorry. I'll go apologize to Aunt Ceci." Magnus's heart was going a mile a minute, but so far he had sounded normal enough that Camille hadn't noticed anything was wrong. Maybe he could pull this off and hide his pain from his family. They wouldn't have to worry that way. He started up the path towards the door when Camille's hand snaked through the darkness to touch him on the arm.

"Magnus…?"

He didn't turn around. He didn't want to give Camille a chance to see his face and ask what was wrong. "Yea?"

"Umm…. Uh… I was wondering… That is…"

Magnus slowly turned to face his sister, raising one eyebrow at her. It wasn't like Camille to beat around the bush. She often said whatever came to her mind at the moment – he often teased her that she had no filter. For her to stammer over her thoughts meant that she had to be thinking about something unpleasant or upsetting and that she wasn't sure how Magnus would take it. Magnus just continued to stare at her, knowing that she would get around to it eventually.

All in one breath she asked, "When are you going to stop calling her aunt? She's raised you since you were three years old. You've even refused all those families that wanted to adopt you – choosing to stay in this group home as an orphan instead of going home with one of them and having a real family."

Camille's voice hitched on the last two words and Magnus tilted his head to stare at her. He hadn't expected that. He pondered exactly how to phrase his response.

"Camille… You and Aunt Ceci ARE my real family. I chose to be an "orphan" as you put it because I didn't want to leave the only family I knew. I didn't want to start over. I was happy here with you two. Aunt Ceci was my mother's best friend, and when Mom died, she was kind enough to take me in. Instead of sending me to an orphanage which is where most people would have sent me. So while I may be an orphan in the eyes of the state, I HAVE a family. You guys. I don't need the state to tell me what I already know in my heart." He reached over and pulled his sister into a tight hug.

"But then why…"

"Don't I call Aunt Ceci mom?" Magnus sighed.

"Because Camille she's not my mom." Holding up a hand to forestall anything Camille was going to say, he continued. "I know that she raised me like I was her own child and that she's been the only mother figure I really have known, but I just can't call her mom. I love her but….. It would be like betraying my mother. Every year my mom slips further and further away. I remember less and less about her. Less about our time together. The memories that I used to be able recall are getting harder and harder to remember. They are being replaced by memories that include Aunt Ceci instead of my mom. I'm no longer sure if the comforting motherly figure in my memories is my own mother or if it's Aunt Ceci. The only thing that remains unique to my mother and my mother only, is the word mom. And if I give that away to Aunt Ceci I'm afraid that my mother will disappear forever. As long as she's still my mom, and no one else is, then she's still a part of me; a part that will never go away; never be replaced. I know I'm not explaining this very well. It's not that I don't Aunt Ceci. I just…"

"Don't want your mom to be forgotten?"

"Exactly."

Camille pulled him into a fierce hug. "Thanks for explaining Magnus. I've always wondered about it. I thought maybe you didn't care about us as much as we care about you."

Tears threatened to roll down his cheeks once again, so Magnus quickly turned his head towards the sky. Clearing his throat and rapidly blinking his eyes, he tried to get his emotions back in check. Camille grabbed his hand and gave it a squeeze before letting it fall back to his side. They stood in comfortable silence both gazing up at the star filled sky. Magnus found the silence soothing which helped still his racing mind. He tried to find the Big Dipper but was having no luck – he wasn't sure which way he was supposed to be looking. So giving up, he closed his eyes and let the calm night surround and embrace him.

"Hey Magnus?"

"Mmmm…?"

"What were you and Alec doing at the river for so long? Did something happen?"

The peace that had surrounded him just a second ago shattered around him. He once again felt his heart splinter into a million pieces. Magnus forcefully shoved his way past his sister, running towards the front door as his eyes brimmed with tears. Bedroom, my bedroom, I need to get to my bedroom before the tears fall and I completely lose it in front of my family he thought as he fumbled for the doorknob.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Sorry guys for the delay in updating. I meant for this to be up several days ago, but it's been a bad week. Hopefully the long chapter will make up for the delay in posting.**

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><p><em><span>Chapter 3 – Family<span>_

**(Magnus POV)**

Magnus threw open the door and was halfway over the threshold before Camille had a chance to grasp that something was terribly wrong. Her concerned and very confused voice called out to him pleading with him to come back and talk to her. But Magnus didn't care. He didn't want to talk to his sister; he wanted to be alone in his room. Tears were definitely streaming down his face now and his only thought was to make it to his room before he ran into his aunt. He could hear Camille's footsteps pounding after him and although it was tremendously rude he slammed the door in her face.

He had made it exactly three steps into the house when his aunt rounded the corner, heading out of the kitchen. He had time for one swift glance at her extremely angry face before he bounded up the stairs. It was a race to see whether he could make it into his room before she caught up with him. If he could then he might be able to get the door locked before she was able to force her way into the room. Sure he would have to listen to her scream through the door but he would be spared from answering her questions. Earlier he had welcomed the thought of being yelled at by his aunt and even cherished the idea of blocking out the pain that came with thinking about Alec with extra chores. Now he couldn't bear to face his family; he just wanted to be alone.

Although Magnus had a head start on his aunt, all those years of chasing children around her house gave her the advantage. It was close, but she managed to catch up to him just as he was slamming his bedroom door shut. She spoke his name in a tone of voice that he had never heard her use while simultaneously blocking him from shutting the door in her face. Magnus gave up and flopped down on his bed; even though his aunt had made it into his room didn't mean he had to talk to her. He would listen to her yelling, nod his head in agreement, accept whatever punishment she felt he deserved, and hope that she would leave him alone after that.

As if she had anticipated his reluctance to talk to her, she sighed heavily and sat down on the bed next to him. Magnus heard her take a deep breath as if she was trying to calm herself, and then forcefully exhale as if she could get rid of all the anger in her system. After a few more times of inhaling and exhaling she finally spoke up.

"Magnus. We need to talk about this. You're several hours late, you shirked your responsibilities today, and you worried me to death. We need to discuss this, AND what the consequences are going to be."

He didn't feel that this deserved a response other than nodding his head and so that was all he did. After all, he knew what he did was wrong, and he didn't feel like offering her any excuses anyways.

"Magnus. Look at me."

Magnus's pillow was soggy from his tears and he felt like he could barely breath but still he didn't turn to face his aunt. He just shook his head as well as he could with his face buried in a pillow, hoping that that would suffice for her. After all she didn't need to see his face to handout punishment. Unfortunately it wasn't sufficient. A stern, hard voice called his name again, and he knew that she wouldn't give in. He would have to look at her if he wanted any peace this night. Slowly he turned his head, letting his hair fall in such a way to hide his face. Gently, she pushed his hair out of his eyes, and whatever she was about to say died on her lips when she saw his red, puffy eyes, and the tears streaking down his cheeks.

Magnus looked up at his aunt through his bloodshot tear filled eyes, pleading with her to understand – to make it all better. She visibly took a deep shaky breath and started rubbing his back in the way he always found soothing. Quietly she asked, "Magnus is this about Alec? What happened?" He looked up into her eyes, willing her to understand what had happened without having to explain it. Willing her to see the movie that was replaying in front of his eyes. But she couldn't see the slide show; only he could. He couldn't bear to tell his aunt that he had kissed Alec. It would make it all too real. Instead he just looked away and sobbed quietly into his pillows.

His aunt had tried to cheer him up. She sat there while he cried, rubbing his back, and murmuring reassurances. When he tried to tell her that Alec was gone for good, her only response was to shush him and state that only time would tell. Alec had been there through everything in the past – finding out that his best friend was gay might be a shock, but he would still be friends with him. Magnus didn't have the energy to contradict her. She may hold out hope that Alec would eventually understand, but he knew that Alec would never be able to forget the kiss. Magnus closed his eyes, hoping that he would wake up in the morning and it would all have been a dream. He fell asleep to his aunt's calming voice uttering reassurances. Before she left, she tenderly covered him with his blanket, smoothed the hair on his head, and whispered one final 'I love you' to his deaf ears.

**(days later)**

Magnus woke up when the morning light came streaming into his bedroom and splashed his bed with golden rays of sun. As with each of the previous days, Magnus's world came crashing down when he realized that the river hadn't been a dream, and he sank deeper into his depression. Over the past few days – he wasn't sure exactly how many – he hadn't really moved from his bed. He got up to do the most basic things, but even then he wasn't really there. He felt like a robot – going through the motions but neither caring what he was doing nor what was going on around him. He knew he was not only worrying his family but scaring them too, yet he found that it didn't matter. He couldn't "snap out of it".

Magnus heard a timid knock on his door and he wondered if it was Camille coming to check on him. Just like his aunt, Camille had also tried to get him to come out of his depression. She would enter his room several times a day, trying to engage him in doing something. She would quietly slip into his room before noon suggesting different activities: movies, video games, going out, shopping. He never really noticed when she would steal into his room. One moment he would be alone with his thoughts and the next she would be sitting on the edge of his bed mentioning some activity that she wanted him to join her in. He tried to focus on what his sister would say, but mostly it came out like she was speaking some foreign language he didn't understand. When he would fail to show any interest in her ideas, Camille would leave him alone for awhile. But she would always come back at some point during the afternoon. Knowing that he would refuse to leave the room, she would ask him questions about books, the upcoming school year, anything to try and illicit a response from him. Often he made no attempt to answer her questions, let alone acknowledge that she was in the room with him. During those times she would crawl up next to him on the bed and just sit with him.

At some point during these occasions when she got sick of him ignoring her, Camille would prop herself up against his headboard, and he would twist around until he could lay his head in her lap. She would run her hands through his hair, almost as if she were combing it with her fingers. The two of them never talked while she sat there with him, but he often heard her humming softly to herself. There was something reassuring about having your older sister understand your need for silence and yet still want to do something to comfort you. Camille never restated her mother's opinion that Alec just needed time to work through the shock. Without having mentioned what transpired that afternoon, Camille seemed to understand that more had occurred than what Magnus was telling. Magnus had to give her credit though. Although he wasn't always completely together when his sister was in his room, she never once pried for more information. She just comforted him in his time of need.

Time and again he would find himself drifting off to sleep under her swift, nimble fingers working the knots out of his hair. The way her fingers would pull softly through the strands of his hair, rubbing his scalp slightly, would calm his mind enough for sleep to eventually overcome him. When he would wake, she would be gone, and he would be alone once again, but so too would the overwhelming sense of loss be gone. He never thanked Camille for those brief moments of rest and forgetfulness that she provided but he knew that she understood what he wanted to say without the words actually being said.

The timid knock came again and briefly Magnus wondered if Camille knocked every time she stopped by his room, waiting for the one time that he would actually react to the knock. The one time he would respond to her that would signal that he was coming out of his depression. She could keep dreaming if she thought it would be anytime soon. Magnus turned away from the door to face his wall and closed his eyes. His sister would come in without him answering the knock.

Magnus heard his door creak open and the soft pattering of feet heading towards his bed. He felt his bed slowly sink down as someone sat next to him, but what he felt next surprised him. Instead of feeling his aunt's comforting hand rubbing his back or his sister's fingers running through his hair, he felt the entire bed start to shake. He cracked his eyes open to see if Layne and Tanner were really jumping on his bed. They were.

Seeing his eyes cracked open, Layne gave a squeal and clapped his small hands. Tanner squealed as well but held his hands out to Magnus, clearly inviting him to join them in the bed jumping. Magnus closed his eyes once again. In some deep recess of his mind he knew that he was in a really bad place if he couldn't even muster up the energy to pretend to be happy around three year olds. Magnus heard more than felt the twins plop down beside him.

"Unkie Maggie?" said a soft childlike voice from somewhere near his knee. "Pwease come outside and pway with us."

"Yea. Pwetty pwease? We miss our Maggie" came another voice this one nearer to his elbow.

Magnus opened his eyes only to be greeted by the sight of two pairs of pale blue eyes staring at him. His mind suddenly dredged up another pair of blue eyes. It hadn't been the color of the twin's eyes that brought Alec's face swimming before him. After all the twins eyes were the palest of blues, lighter even than the sky, whereas Alec's were a brilliant shade of blue like sapphires glinting in the sun. No it hadn't been the color but the deep well of sadness he could easily read in the twin's eyes. The look was so similar to one that he had seen plastered on Alec's face a few years ago. Hurt, confusion, pain, and an utter sense of helplessness. Groaning from pain, he felt a single tear escape to slide down his face. He closed his eyes but not before he saw Layne and Tanner begin to cry as well.

Not knowing what to say, and not trusting his voice anyways, he did the only thing he could think of – open his arms wide. Immediately, he felt the twins snuggle up next to him, one on either side. He could hear their occasional sniffles as well as feel the slight shuddering of their bodies as they tried to stifle their sobbing. Magnus held them close relishing the comfort of their small weight. Eventually the twins breathing evened out, the two of them having fallen asleep. For the first time in several days Magnus felt that he had done something right. That thought coupled with the twins reassuring solid forms next to him allowed Magnus to drift off into a dreamless sleep.

**(several hours later)**

Magnus woke up cold and oddly light. Apparently the twins had woken up, gotten bored, and left him alone. Or, it had been time for dinner, he thought as he spotted the plate of food that was sitting on his desk. His aunt had brought him a tray of food at each meal but he usually sent them back untouched. He couldn't bear the thought of eating; even the sight of his favorite food, grilled cheese sandwiches, made him sick.

Magnus could hear his aunt's footsteps coming closer to the door. He considered getting up and out of bed, and at least pretending that he had been doing something, but thought better of it. Did it really matter if his aunt found him in his bed at 6:30 in the evening? He had been like this for the last five, six, seven days? Ever since he had ki… No, he wasn't going to go back down that road and relieve the biggest mistake of his life.

A single tear escaped down his cheek just as his aunt knocked on the door. "Magnus?" she softly called. Hoping that if he didn't respond, she would go away and leave him alone, he stayed quiet. The knock came again. "Magnus, sweetie, Clary is here to see you. Won't you come open the door?"

"It's okay Ms. B. If he doesn't want to see me he doesn't have to. I can come back at later."

"No, why don't you go in? I doubt that he's actually sleeping and maybe he'll talk to you. Heaven knows he isn't talking to us."

His aunt's footsteps faded down the hallway, yet his door didn't open. Magnus wondered if Clary had followed her original plan to leave, but he hadn't heard her footsteps following his aunt's. He wondered what she was waiting for, nobody else had waited for an invitation to walk into his room, plus his aunt had told her to go right in.

A soft knock was quickly followed by Clary's equally soft voice. It was as if she was giving him a chance to ignore her if he wanted to.

**(Clary's POV)**

"Magnus, its Clary. Will you let me in? We don't have to talk if you don't want to. Just can I come in?"

A hoarse, gravelly voice that clearly hadn't been used in days floated through the door. "Sure." Unsure what to expect she stepped into Magnus' bedroom. Upon seeing the desolate look upon her friend's face she felt her heart break. She crossed the room and seized Magnus in a fierce hug.

"Oh Magnus…."

"Cla…ary…" Magnus could barely get the words out he was crying so hard. Clary had no idea what happened, what was killing Magnus inside, Camille hadn't been descriptive earlier that day during their shopping trip. She pulled Magnus in closer and held him.

"Shhh… It's okay. You don't have to tell me anything. It's ok. Shhhh… Things are going to be ok."

Evidently this was the wrong thing to say as Magnus whispered no and turned his head into her shoulder, sobbing even harder now. Clary had never felt more completely helpless than she did at that very moment. Not knowing what to do, she did what her mom did when she was upset. She combed her fingers through Magnus's hair and let him cry. Clary stared out the bedroom window, watching the sun set and the shadows grow long. Magnus had stopped crying a while ago and was so silent and still that she thought he had fallen asleep. He clearly needed. Judging by the dark bags under his eyes she doubted that he had been sleeping much lately.

She hoped that his aunt had called her mom or Luke to let them know that she was still over here. She didn't need them freaking out because she wasn't home yet. Magnus needed her right now and even if the only thing she could do was help him to fall asleep. While she watched him sleep she wondered what was going on in his life to uproot his perpetually happy mood. Once again her mind went to Alec, speculating where he was, why he wasn't here. She was startled by the sound of Magnus's severely disused voice.

"I kissed him."

"I thought you were sleeping. Wait. What? You kissed who?"

"Alec. I kissed him. At the river."

Suddenly things clicked. The bags under the eyes, the disheveled look, the refusal to eat or talk, Magnus's unhappiness. The lack of Alec. As if those few words were the magic key the story came pouring out of Magnus.

"We were at the river. I only wanted to finally come out to him. I had been working up to it all summer. I had to do it. Everyone else knew besides him. I don't know why it was so hard for me to tell him. I…I didn't want to hear the hate in his voice. I didn't want him to judge me. But I didn't tell him. I kissed him. Clary, I kissed him. What have I done? He was my best friend and I went and ruined that."

"Is, Magnus, is. Alec IS your best friend. Not was. He still IS your best friend. Nothing you could do will change that."

"You're wrong. You didn't see the look in his eyes. They were full of hate and disgust."

"I think you're wrong Magnus. Alec would never look at you like that. He loves you." The horror of what she had just said dawned on Clary the moment she saw Magnus's eyes. "Magnus…"

Magnus's voice was as heavy and lifeless as stone as he replied "He doesn't. He doesn't love me. He doesn't even want to be friends with me."

"You don't know that. Call him. Talk to him."

"I already see his eyes glaring at me, accusing me, every time I close my eyes. It tears me apart everyday. I'm not going to hear the hate in his voice too. Besides, even if you're right, things will never be the same. Things will never go back to the way they were."

Sighing heavily, she knew he was right. Even if Alec was ok with how Magnus felt about him (and she was sure that he would eventually be ok with it) it would change the dynamic of their friendship. Things would be awkward at first, but she was confident that they would be able to work through this. They had that strong of a friendship. She was spared from responding by Layne and Tanner bounding into the room.

"Unkie Maggie, read us a bedtime story," two voices chimed in unison while holding up the book _You will be my Friend _by Peter Brown. Clary seeing Magnus's face drain all color, stood up, and placing a hand on each of the twin's shoulders shepherded them out of the room.

"How about I read to you guys?" Seeing them nod, she lightly pushed them towards their room, "I'll be there in a minute. I want to say goodnight to Mags."

Upon entering his room, Magnus wouldn't meet her eyes although he did mumble thanks. Pulling the blanket off the bottom of his bed she settled it over him. Brushing his hair out of his face she gave him a quick peck on the forehead. Leaning close she whispered

"Mags, you're wrong on this one. Sure things might seem hopeless now and sure it might take awhile to get back to normal but Alec is and always will be your best friend. He doesn't hate you. He never will. Please believe me. And please call him. Talk to him. You'll see."

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><p><strong>AN: Hopefully this didn't suck - I really dislike writing unhappiness. I promise that next chapter will be all Alec although I can't promise happiness just yet.**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: So for those who haven't noticed, I changed this story to M. Sorry guys but the next several chapters are gonna involve some heavier material. Hope you enjoy Alec's view of the week.**

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><p><em><span>Chapter 4 – A week<span>_

**(Alec POV)**

Alec was in a melancholy mood and therefore restless. Consequently he found himself wandering aimlessly through his family's large Victorian house. Others would classify it more of a mansion, but Alec hated to think of it like that. The term mansion seemed to imply a cold, uncaring, empty place; a place where family was just a word and nothing more. While his parent's house may be huge and sprawling it never felt cold or empty. No matter where you were in the house, love and happiness permeated the air and more often than not you could hear laughter ringing through the hallways. Just now, Alec heard his father Robert's deep booming laugh mixing with his adoptive brother Jace's merry chuckle, followed closely by an exasperated sigh that could only be his mother's. Even as he silently wondered what his brother did this time Alec turned around and started to walk away from the sounds of his family's laughter.

Yes, the Lightwood house was definitely a place where family was more than just a word meaning related by blood. It was a place where happy news was celebrated and sadness was wiped away with comfort and support. A place where problems were discussed and solved and burdens were not shouldered by one but by all. A place where loved flowed freely. Alec knew his family would be more than willing to listen to him and would do their best to cheer him up, give him advice, comfort him, or whatever else he might need from them. He knew his family would help him work through the things that were bothering him, put a smile on his face, and ease his worries. So why was he walking steadily faster and faster away from his family? If he was being truthful with himself it was because he was still upset with Magnus and just a tad angry too. He wasn't ready to give those feelings up just yet and he knew he would the moment he talked to his family. And so he continued to put distance between him and his family.

It had been a little over a week since they had met at the river and Magnus had kissed him. Alec felt his cheeks grow warm at the memory of that day. He wasn't angry at Magnus for kissing him. Hell, he wasn't even troubled by it. No he was angry, pissed really, because it had been over a week. A week without hearing from Magnus. No emails, no calls, not even a single text message. He knew Magnus would be upset about what happened but he never dreamed it would go like this. With no communication, no talking.

Alec couldn't remember the last time that he and Magnus had gone a waking hour without some form of communication let alone a whole day. Alec wasn't sure if there had ever been a time in the ten years that he'd known Magnus that they had gone an entire week without talking. Even when his family went on vacation he made sure he had a way to talk to Magnus – even if it was only through emails.

But it had been over a week since Magnus had stood up and walked from where Alec sat dumbfounded by the river. And Alec had let him go. At the time he had thought that giving Magnus some room to calm down was best. Obviously his friend had been embarrassed and probably even more confused by what happened than he was. Knowing Magnus he probably though Alec was mad, upset, or worse, hated his guts.

Alec had been willing to give him some space, thinking that in a day or two Magnus would realize that Alec wouldn't care that he was gay, as long as he was happy. As for him being in love with Alec, well they would cross that bridge eventually. You couldn't help who you loved. But a day came and went, then two, and by the time the third day had come and gone, Alec was so worried he had sent Magnus a text asking if they could talk about it. Magnus hadn't responded to that text nor to any of Alec's other texts and calls. And so here they were, a week later and Alec was pissed off at his best friend because he was going to let some silly thing like his embarrassment and fear ruin a decade of friendship.

Alec knew that deep down under all his anger he really was hurt by the whole situation. First because Magnus didn't have enough faith in their friendship, enough faith in Alec, to realize that Alec would understand and forgive him for what happened. Obviously Magnus didn't trust Alec to still be his friend after the kiss and therefore was ignoring him.

What hurt Alec the most though was that Magnus had such little faith in Alec and their friendship that he couldn't even tell Alec he was gay. It was as if Magnus feared that Alec would stop being friends with him over this. And that little thought cut Alec to the core because he thought he had been a good friend to Magnus. That through the years he had shown Magnus that he valued him for who he was and would be there no matter what. Just like he knew Magnus would be there for him no matter what. Except this time Magnus wasn't there to talk things through. He was sulking, clearly embarrassed about his feelings, and doubting Alec.

Alec paused mid-step as a horrible thought washed over him. It had just dawned on him that he wasn't completely innocent in this situation. Here he was sulking in his house, bemoaning the fact that Magnus wasn't around to talk through the problem. He was just as guilty as Magnus when it came down to the department of always being there fro each other. Sure he had tried to call and text Magnus but he had given up when he received no answer. Magnus hadn't given up two years ago when Alec had locked himself in his bedroom after his brother Max had died, refusing to talk to anybody or even come out of his room for mealtimes. Magnus had pleaded with Alec through his door and when that failed he had climbed down from the roof to Alec's balcony. There he sat, even when it started to rain, until Alec had finally taken pity on his friend's shivering form and let him in. No, Magnus hadn't given up on Alec when he had needed him the most, and yet here Alec was giving up on Magnus when Magnus needed him the most.

Shame rippled through Alec as he thought about how horrible of a friend he had been this week. After all Magnus had to be in excruciating pain knowing that he cared about Alec in a way that Alec could never reciprocate. On top of that he probably was thinking that he had lost his best friend forever. How could Alec have been so blind? And so selfish?

Alec blinked and realized that at some point during his revelation that his wanderings had become less random and that his feet were caring him determinedly towards the backdoor. His brain had finally caught up with what his heart knew was right – that he needed to see Magnus before he lost his best friend forever. He pulled out his phone and ignoring the brief shudder of guilt at seeing Magnus's smiling face, he hit the speed dial number for his best friend. He waited and waited for Magnus to pick up. Eventually it kicked over to voicemail and Alec managed to mumble "Hey it's me. I'm coming over. We need to talk…." "Please," he barely whispered before hanging up the phone.

Finally sure that what he was doing was right he sprinted off in the direction of the backdoor. He could be at the group home in less than 1o minutes if he ran and definitely didn't want Magnus to slip away before they had a chance to talk. Just as he was rounding the last corner to the door he crashed into something and went flying face first into the opposite wall.

"Oww… Damn it Alec. Watch where you're going," came a voice that Alec recognized as his sister's.

"Sorry Izzy," Alec mumbled while rubbing his stinging forehead and sideling towards the door that his sister had apparently just walked in, "but I have to go." His hand had just tightened on the door knob when

"Alexander Lightwood, stop right there."

Sighing, he turned back to his sister. "Yes, Isabelle?"

"Where do you think you're running off to? It's like the first time you've been out of your room all week besides meal times and you're leaving without saying a word? So, where are you going?"

"M…M…Magnus's" Alec stammered.

Isabelle just raised one perfectly shaped eyebrow. Her expression clearly saying 'And?'

Alec felt his face grow red as he glanced down at the floor and in an undertone whispered "He kissed me and…" His voice trailed off; he didn't know how to explain how badly he had screwed up this week.

"Oh. My. God." gushed Izzy. "Finally. When, where, how was it? Was there tongue involved? Are you guys together? Spill. I want details. I can't believe you didn't tell me. I mean I understand not telling Jace but…"

"Izzy. Shut up." Alec practically had to scream over his sister's incessant, mile a minute questioning. "First off. I'm not giving details." A pout appeared on his sister's face. "Secondly, I'm not gay."

"But… Then why did you guys… Oh…. Oh, no….." Izzy's voice trailed off slowly as her eyes suddenly went wide. A light flashed in her eyes as if something just dawned to her.

Alec felt the bottom of his stomach drop as cold dread snaked its way through his veins.

"Oh no what Izzy?" Alec had to restrain himself from grabbing her shoulder and shaking her. "What is it?"

"Oh well, I just got back from the mall with Clary. Boy does that girl need a complete wardrobe makeover. Not a single decent outfit."

In his impatience, Alec grabbed his sister's wrist. "Isabelle."

"Oh. Yeah. Magnus. Well, Clary was telling me while we were shopping, that yesterday she and Camille had gone to look at shoes," Alec's eyes grew stormy. Gulping, Isabelle continued, "And that Camille had mentioned that Magnus wasn't himself lately. That he hadn't even left his room all week, not even for meals. Clary said that she had gone over to see him to try and cheer him up, but nothing worked."

Isabelle held her hands up forestalling whatever Alec was about to say. "When I asked, she wouldn't tell me what they talked about or why Magnus was upset. All she would say was that she had never seen him like that before. So…." But Alec was already gone.

Halfway through her story, Alec's hand had gone to the doorknob and before she had time to spit out the last couple of words, Alec had thrown open the backdoor. His stomach full of knots and fear coursing through his body, Alec was at the end of the driveway before it registered that Isabelle's last word was "broken."

Alec already had his cell out and was dialing Magnus's number, praying that this time he would answer. Instead of ringing it went straight to voicemail. 'This is Magnus. Don't bother leaving a message.'

A rising sense of dread and horror spurred Alec on and he neither looked back nor paid any attention to his sister. And so he never saw the sad, pained expression in Isabelle's eyes, nor heard her sigh "Oh Alec. I thought you knew how he felt about you. And I really thought you felt the same way."

She watched her brother race down the street until she could no longer make out his form in the distance. Then slowly she turned to go back inside, wiping away the singled tear that was sliding down her cheek before closing the door.


End file.
